I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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