she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
