i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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