All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
