I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
