i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
