my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
