I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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