ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
It was confusing and full of hummus
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
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