I skipped work to stalk him.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
