i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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