i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
