I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
