I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
