I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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