For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
