Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
