i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
