And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
