I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
