You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
