I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
