I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
