we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
