Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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