My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
