Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
