Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
