Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
