i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
