So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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