Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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