I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
we should paint friendship bongs
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
