She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Btw I puked in your glovebox
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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