On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
