Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
