Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Randomize
