I just made out with a guy for $7.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
