I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I intend to get homeless drunk
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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