finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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