I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
