dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
How many fucks given?
0.12846
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
