i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I have aggressive nipples.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
