Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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