1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
