just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just threw up on my dentist
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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