I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
