Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
