I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
