i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
